My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
