Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
