I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
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