Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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