If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
