I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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