god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
you never un-have a 4some
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
