tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
