Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
