the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
