I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize