i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
