I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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