my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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