I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
