I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
