my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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