You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
