There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She needs sedatives and a leash
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
