when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize