You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
