it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wish life had little blips of pornography
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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