just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize