Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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