Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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