sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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