I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
