i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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