last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize