guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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