I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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