so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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