you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize