Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
