How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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