literally had 100 drinks last night.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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