I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
