my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
