Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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