I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
