Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
