the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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