I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
