My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
