He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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