I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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