She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
