I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize