It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
