he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
