I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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