I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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