as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
