whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
