It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
