I have demons in me.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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