update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
