Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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