there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
