he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize