I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize